I lost my Daddy this past weekend….

I lost my Daddy this past weekend because of something I did. We’re back together now but I’ll never forget the soul shattering pain of Him being gone. I don’t blame Him at all for leaving.  There’s something I do that He’s worked patiently and tirelessly with me to overcome for two years now. He told me before now that it was something He couldn’t keep going through. Something WE couldn’t keep going through because it hurts us and our relationship each time it happens. I don’t quite know how to explain what I do. I have insecurities that I deal with daily. I have a brat side that when she doesn’t get her way throws temper tantrums but this time she went off the deep end. When I say went off the deep end, I mean it. I trashed my room and self injured myself this past weekend.  Wow,  writing that where anyone can read it, makes me so very ashamed. Daddy has tried everything He can to help me with my insecurities and with brat. When one thing didn’t work, He found other things to try. He’s at His wits end and I understand it. Completely.  Right before this happened I gave Him total control of me. I was beyond happy with this choice. However, I didn’t do something that I now realize I should have. See I have three very distinct sides to myself…..babygirl, little girl, bratty. Daddy recognizes this and gives time to all of them. Babygirl and little girl were estatic that He was taking complete control……I never even thought of bratty. Didn’t give her any consideration at all. She was deeply hurt, which turned to anger, because I didn’t include her. The first thing that didn’t go her way, she blew up. I couldn’t figure out why there was this undercurrent of anger with me, where it was coming from. Couldn’t figure out why a decision He made about something that was in my best interest, set me off so bad. It was brat’s pain at being ignored, cast aside. I set into motion one of the most painful things I’ve ever gone through because I didn’t take the time to recognize and RESPECT all sides of me. Like I mentioned earlier we are back together but now we’re both dealing with the fallout. He’s lost faith in me because I told him I would never lose it again and I did ( this past weekend wasn’t the first time it’s happened). Now one of my biggest insecurities, losing my Daddy, has actually happened. The nightmares from it that I’m having are horrendous. I now know what it feels like to ACTUALLY lose Him…..and I brought it on myself. What’s bad is I realized this past weekend…..that at some point I’d actually started believing He’d never leave me so when He did I was in complete shock and it destroyed me. What’s bad is now I made my worst fear come true and my insecurities of losing Him are off the charts. What’s bad is I can’t go to Him about them because it’s my fault. What’s worse is I brought this on myself. What’s the very worst….. Is I hurt the man that I love most in this world. The man that I respect more than any man I’ve ever met. The man that changed my life for the better. The man, that until this weekend, believed in me. The man that I call My Daddy. I’ll never forgive myself for the things that I have cost us.

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