Feeling like a burden….

You ever feel like you’re being a bother or a burden to someone?  I feel that way more than I’d like to.

Daddy and I talked about it last night. He noticed that my behavior had changed and had asked me why. I ended up telling Him the truth. I told Him that I was trying to back off and give Him some space because I felt like I was being bothersome.

He told me that I was not being bothersome and that I did not need to back off and give Him any space. I said thank you Daddy and we kinda left it alone after that. That right there should have been my first hint that it was going to be my topic today, lol.

I often feel like I’m being a bother, being a burden to someone. I think that’s because of my childhood.  I have very early memories of being told to go do something, to leave them alone, that I was being a bother and a pain in the ass.

It was mainly from my father,  who also told me at a very early age that I was a burden and a waste of air. I grew up always feeling like I was underfoot and just in the way. I remember many times sitting there quietly watching and wanting to say something but not saying anything because I didn’t want to be a bother, a burden. So I just sat there trying to be invisible.

I used to feel like a was a burden to Daddy all the time but not very often now. Not because of anything He ever said or did. Just because of my upbringing.

When He gets busy though that feeling comes back very strongly. I was taught to leave people alone when they’re busy. I know that this summer He’s going to be busy and not have as much time for me so in my mind I was going to be a burden and I needed to back off and give Him space. He, however, said that’s not the case and corrected my thinking.

Daddy says I’m never a bother or a burden  and most of the time I believe Him but occasionally I wonder if He would tell me if I was because He knows how fragile I am about this still. I suppose He would, He’s very truthful about everything else.

There are still times that I don’t talk about what’s going on in my life and don’t share things because I’m worried about being a bother.  I really hate that I’m that way sometimes. I’m a lot better with it thanks to Daddy but those feelings still pop up occasionally…. as our conversation last night and this topic shows, lol.

I don’t want Daddy to look at me like other people have and become a burden. I never want to be a burden to Him. I’m very grateful that He knows me well enough to see when there’s something wrong and then help me through it. That He loves me and wants the best for me and I’m so very grateful that He doesn’t feel like I’m a burden.

 

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What my Daddy means to me….

I’ve been going through a bad time the last couple of days. Yesterday was a doozy. Like I kinda went batshit crazy type of doozy, lol. I broke one of my Daddy’s rules, fought with the people in my life, slammed doors, felt completely lost, and broke down crying…..yep, batshit crazy, lol.

Daddy knows me, knows I’m doing a lot better about things and that there was a reason behind yesterday. With His help we figured it out and He led me back home. This morning He said my topic was to write about what He means to me. Knowing that it would ground me, remind me of who I am and who I belong to.

He means everything to me. He knows me better than I know myself. He chose to look past my actions yesterday and look for the reason. He then went about doing what He knew I needed to bring me back. I’m ashamed of my actions of yesterday and He’s not thrilled with it but He realized I needed understanding and patience, not punishment. He also knows I have beat myself up pretty bad about it.

I love Him and respect Him in a way that I never have anyone else before. He literally has become everything for me. He’s my rock during my storms of life. I know I can go to Him and He will help in any way He can. He’s my safe place. When those storms have beat me down and I’m scared and lost, I can go to Him knowing I’m safe. Heart, body, and soul are all safe with Him.

I look at life and myself differently now because of Him. I do have my bad days still, but not as many. He doesn’t let me lose sight at how far we’ve come. He never gives up on me. I’m so very blessed to be His. He helps me in ways that He’ll never understand. How amazing is a person that will look past the pain and scars of your past and see the potential of who you can be?  I’m in awe of Him.

Everyday I fall even deeper in love with Him. Just a text from Him brightens my day and a phone call…… I’m over the moon, lol.  I smile when I think of Him and a calmness enters my soul. He’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me. When I’m in His arms my soul is at rest.

 

What being a babygirl means…..

Today’s topic from Daddy is what it means to me to be a sub/babygirl and what I want out of a D/s relationship. I’m having an extremely hard time with this topic. Yesterday I disappointed my Daddy and myself. I feel like I failed Him and my behavior was awful. I was in pain (emotional) and put myself first before Him. How can I write about what it means to me after my behavior yesterday.

However, this is the topic He picked so I have to try. Ummm, ok…. being a babygirl means being true to myself. It’s recognizing a part of myself and embracing it. It’s admitting that I need guidance, love, discipline, and rules. It’s admitting that there’s a little in me and not being ashamed of her. It’s wanting to give my submission to my Daddy and make Him happy. It means being free. In my submission to my Daddy I have found freedom.

What I want from a D/s relationship?  I want those things listed above and acceptance. A place where I’m safe and protected. Where I treated as someone special and cherished. Where I’m wanted and needed just as much as I want and need them.

Ugh, I just don’t feel right writing that last paragraph. I keep saying what I want and it feels wrong. It makes me feel selfish and like I don’t care about His wants and needs. That’s not the case because it’s all I care about. I’ve agreed to do things with and for Him that I’d never agree to with anyone else. I want so very much to make Him happy and proud. When I mess up like yesterday, it hurts and eats at me. He’s an amazing Dom and I want to deserve His collar. I want to give Him my complete submission and as I’m kneeling before Him and He tells me, good girl…… I want to know I earned it.

I’m not sure if this is what He wanted. I just started writing from my heart. He wants me to write about what I want from a D/s relationship, but I’ve already got it. I have Him.

 

Keeping things from Daddy…..

So today’s topic is trying to keep something from Daddy and failing at it.

This topic comes from things that happened yesterday. Daddy had said something that bothered me but I didn’t want to say anything about it and I didn’t. Well a little later, I sent Him a pic. He immediately asked what was wrong. Apparently, He could tell by the look on my face something wasn’t right. I thought I looked fine in it. Anyway I tried telling Him I was just having an off day because I knew if I told Him the real reason He wouldn’t like it.  He didn’t buy the off day excuse and kept asking. I ended up telling Him and I was right, He didn’t like it. At first, I felt like a had a right to feel like I did, but He made it clear that I didn’t.

I have a real fear of pissing Him off, not because of something He’s done, but because of my past. So when I realized He wasn’t happy, I immediately started backpedaling. It ended with me telling Him it wasn’t my place to question Him in this situation and I promised I’d never bring it up again, I’d let it go.

Getting Him upset threw me off really bad, I don’t handle that well. I guess I was still acting off because He called me on it. I’d given Him my word I wasn’t going to talk about it again, So I told Him I was fine. I’d realized my mistake in bringing it up before and I wasn’t about to repeat it. I thought He’d accepted that until He told me the topic of today’s blog.

The thing was I wasn’t trying to be a brat or anything. I’d promised Him I was letting it go and I wouldn’t talk about it again. I was just trying to keep my word. I’m kinda confused about this one.

Daddy always knows when I’m not upfront, like ALWAYS, and He calls me on it everytime.  In fact, it’s one of the things I love about Him, lol. Most times it helps because it’s really hard for me to share my feelings about things and I usually feel better after we’ve talked about it. I have gotten better about it, but it’s still definitely a learning process,lol.

I guess deep down I know I shouldn’t try to keep things from Him. Hell, He knows all the time anyway. I just, I don’t know, yesterday……. I have mixed feelings about.  I mean, if I give my word to Him aren’t I supposed to keep it? Besides, I stepped out of place and all he was doing was putting me back in it.

Ugh, I honestly have no idea where I’m going with this.  I guess I’m just thinking out loud and rambling.  All I know is things are going really good between us right now, I don’t want to mess things up and I’m not going to.

 

First meeting…..

You ever meet someone and something inside you just knew your life would never be the same again? That’s how it was when I first met Daddy. We’d been talking on the phone and finally decided to meet. I was so nervous and excited. Like almost shaking nervous, lol. I was worried about the way I dressed, was worried I’d say something that’d make me look like a complete idiot, lol. I act one if two ways when I first meet someone, I either get really quiet or I nervously chatter and I never know which one until I’m in the situation.

I got there first, which gave me time to check my makeup and get more nervous, lol. I remember Him getting out of his truck and thinking, now don’t make a fool of yourself, lol.  By then I was getting more excited than nervous. We’d talked about so much and one of those things was our first hug. I couldn’t wait to feel his arms around me. The strangest thing happened when I first felt His arms around me, my nervousness disappeared.

Something else happened and it’s really hard to explain. See, I grew up searching for something, always feeling like a part of me was missing. I never felt complete, whole. Never felt like I belonged anywhere. When I felt His arms around me something inside me stirred, it recognized something in Him. It’s so hard to explain and my words aren’t doing it justice. We sat, talked, kissed, held hands, held each other, walked around, enjoyed each others company. All the while that feeling I had was getting stronger and I realized what it was. I had found what I’d been searching for, the missing part of me. I finally felt complete, whole.

I know some won’t understand that and that’s ok. All I know is how I felt that day and how I feel now. It’s amazing to search your whole life for something and in one instant, find it.

Oh and I was right, my life hasn’t been the same. I’m been happier then I’ve ever been and more in love than I even knew existed.

 

Subspace…..

The topic today is subspace. I’ve been very lucky  to experience this with Daddy. It’s an amazing thing to go through. I had thought I had experienced it before Him. I was so very wrong, lol. I know now that before Him I got caught up in the moment but never truly entered subspace. There’s no mistaking it once you’ve experienced it, lol. I can honestly say there’s no other feeling like that on earth.

The first time with Daddy, wow. I wasn’t expecting it and it was unbelievable. The thing that really shocked me is that it wasn’t pain that made me go in, it was intense pleasure that did. I didn’t even know that was possible until I read up on it.

When I go into subspace, I don’t remember anything that’s done to me. Daddy has to tell me what happened afterwards, lol. That day I remember intense mind numbing pleasure and then nothing.  I couldn’t hear sounds anymore or was even aware of my surroundings. There was a calmness that I can’t explain. I’ve never felt it except in subspace. An overwhelming feeling of love and safety. I felt my Daddy, I mean really felt Him. There was a connection made between us that day that’s indescribable. I had never felt more at peace.  As I was coming out of it He was there taking care of me. I felt confusion because I hadn’t realized what had happened, but no fear. I knew beyond any doubt I was safe. I remember asking Him what happened because I had no memory and He told me. The connection we made that day I’ve never experienced with anyone. It’s like I can feel Him at all times even when we’re not together.

Since then I go in almost every time we’re together (did I mention how amazing it feels?  Lol). I seem to be going in easier and quicker the more it happens. Each time our bond, our connection, grows stronger. I have complete trust in my Daddy. I know he’d never hurt me.

Our journey is an unbelievable one, I can’t wait to see how far we’ll go and how strong we’ll get. I absolutely love being His forever babygirl.

 

Side note : I don’t usually write my blogs in one sitting. I have young children and so I’m having to get up alot. In the middle of writing this, I got hurt. Not physically, emotionally. I had a chance to meet Daddy tomorrow and because of my schedule I can’t. This hurts deeply and for a moment I didn’t want to finish writing this. However, this is something that Daddy has said for me to do and hurt or not, I want to make my Daddy proud. So, even with tears in my eyes I’m finishing this up and it’s times like this that show me I’m farther along in my submission than I thought.

 

Collaring……

I love the topic Daddy picked for today. The day He collared me. Everytime I think about it, I smile. Most times, I reach up and touch my collar also.

It was a very important day for both of us. It’s something that neither of us take lightly. We’d talked about it once before it had actually happened, but Daddy had dropped it. I couldn’t figure out why, however I dropped it too. It was something I would think about often but not bring up.

Then it was brought up again and I was so happy. I asked him why He’d dropped it the time before and He said He wanted to make sure I was ready. In talking to Him, I realized I wasn’t ready the first time.

We discussed what a collar meant to us. That it was more than just a plaything. It was a symbol of so very much……commitment, love, trust, ownership, respect. I told Him that to me it was more important than a wedding band and explained my reasons. I was so happy we were discussing it. Then He sent me two pics of some day collars and told me to chose one and I realized it was truly happening. The joy I felt was amazing.

We had to wait for it to get here. I remember the day it arrived. I was like a kid in a candy store, I was so excited, lol. We couldn’t meet right away so I took a pic of it in my hand and sent it to Him. He asked if I tried it on and I told Him no, He’d be the one to put it around my neck, I’d wait……and let me tell you the waiting, it was torture, lol.

I remember the date we finally got together so He could collar me, 2/9/16. I’ll never forget that date. I made sure I looked really nice. I was so excited I actually had to redo my makeup because I messed it up the first time,lol. As I got into the car to leave I took a pic of myself and thought this will be the last pic of me uncollared.

By the time I got there I was excited and nervous, lol.  The nerves went away the moment I saw Him. I remember how it felt to kneel in front of Him, the way the collar felt as He put it around my neck for the first time. I was worried I’d cry, but I didn’t. I felt this intense joy and peace. All I could think about was I was His, truly His. I’d found my home, my forever Daddy. Everything just clicked into place. I’d found my purpose.

That day was unbelievable. I left that room feeling loved and owned. Heart, body, and soul I was His. I am His. I wear the proof of that around my neck and I wear it with pride and love.